Five Moral Fences
I was a pastor in seminary when the moral failures of the late ’80’s hit the news and they scared me. In addition to the newsworthy blowouts, I was hearing a shocking number of similar tragedies from my own circle of pastor/friends. I remember one Sunday night in 1987 when I cried all the way to church. I was terrified as I asked over and over, “How does this happen? Could this happen to me? How can I protect myself and my growing little family from the devastation a moral failure would cause? How can I be sure my actions will remain pure when men better and stronger than me were falling like flies?”
As I thought and prayed it through it occurred to me that ministers who fell morally must have disregarded the final warning signals. I knew they didn’t go from spirit-filled to stepping off the cliff in one day. I knew they must have crashed some social barriers before their slippage became sexual. I remember wondering where the line was and how I could make sure I never crossed it. I knew I had to make my decisions early and my standards public so that others would know when I was “playing near the edge.” I was determined that, by God’s grace, I would not take the plunge. In fact, I wanted to stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as I could, so I decided to set up some boundaries of behavior.
I called them moral fences. The idea was to set up some standards of conduct that if never broken would make it impossible for me to fail morally. I remembered back to my days as a bible college student and thinking how strange it was that our college president would not give my (young, beautiful) fiancee a ride to our church almost two hours away when he came to speak. With that in mind, I began to form my list of moral fences.
1) I will not, under any circumstances, ride alone in a car with a female other than my wife or an immediate family member.
No lifts home for a church secretary, no baby sitters driven home late at night, no teen girls in my student ministry, more recently no playmates of my daughters, no exceptions. One day I wasted two and a half hours in the American Tire store waiting for my car to be done while my secretary, only minutes away, could have picked me up so easily. Recently while speaking out of town, I had to explain to my pastor friend why it “would not work out for his wife to drive me and meet him over there.” It has been awkward at times but the benefits are obvious. How many pastors commit adultery with someone they never ride alone in a car with? OK some, but read on.
2) I do not counsel women in a closed room or more than once.
Judging by the stories we all hear it seems like the majority of ministry infidelity begins through a counseling relationship. No matter what the issue, counseling is a very intimate activity . when the subject matter itself becomes intimate. counseling the opposite sex is like playing with fire. When our church was smaller keeping this standard meant that some women had to seek counsel elsewhere and two or three left our church over my “fence.” I was hurt at first but I think it blessed my wife. As pastors we are supposed to be training others to do ministry, not hoarding it for ourselves. (Eph. 4:11-13) I have always felt that my time was better spent training a team of men and women to do the lighter counseling and then referring those with more complex issues to biblical counseling centers outside our church. When I cannot avoid a second session with a woman in our church, I have my wife or another pastor sit in with me. Pretty hard to commit adultery with someone you never spend time alone with.
3) I do not stay alone in a hotel over night.
I did my doctoral thesis on increasing the incidents of self-disclosure of sin among men. I have heard more confessions of addiction to various forms of sexual sin than any one pastor should ever have to hear, and it has changed me. It has left me deeply persuaded that, “there but for the grace of God, (and some moral fences) go I.” I know myself too well. Lengthy, unaccountable hours with manifold temptations available and affordable is a recipe for failure. Romans 13:14 instructs us that we are to “make no provision for the flesh.” You think I sound weak? I am! And when I forget that weakness I cease to know God’s strength. (I Cor. 12:10) When I travel, I travel with someone. When that is impossible I stay with a friend. When that is impossible I do not go. Period! Early in my ministry that meant there were things I missed out on, more recently our Elders have agreed to help fund a travel partner for me. If an outside ministry opportunity is deemed worthwhile, and the ministry cannot afford a second airfare, our church pays for me to take another pastor or elder, or best of all, my wife.
4) I speak often and publicly of my affection for my wife, when she is present and when she is not.
No one likes to play the hypocrite any more than they have to. Marriages that are failing often become silent in public before they become loudly negative. Pastors who resist or refuse to publicly affirm and appreciate the significant role of a supportive spouse may be revealing a private deterioration of that relationship. I have close friends who consistently monitor the way I lead, to refer to, and interact with my wife in social and ministry contexts. It was Bill McCartney who taught that the countenance of a wife is the best indicator of marital strength. I know some men in our church feel the heat because I am so publicly wild about my wife of twenty-six years, too bad!
5) Compliment the character or the conduct – not the coiffure or the clothing.
I am still working on this one. As our church has grown, and I know a much smaller percentage of the people who attend here, I have seen the power of a compliment become a problem. As pastors we love people and want to be an encouragement. Formerly, if I noticed that Shelly had a new dress or Susan had changed her hair, I would compliment her on that. I felt it was harmless and if it seemed to meet a need and I meant it sincerely I thought, “no harm done.” More recently I have observed that this seemingly innocent gesture can have far more impact than I ever intended and potentially meet a legitimate need that I have no business meeting. Apart from family friendships, I have been trying to restrict my compliments to character and conduct. I get to use my gift of encouragement but I focus on the things God is doing in a person’s life and not the externals that can be easily misunderstood.
Setting up the “fence” in public.
The fence is useless if I can take it down any time my sinful heart desires. To make it work those around me must know what I have committed to myself to and be willing to confront me if they see a fence broken down. To inform the congregation I periodically weave the fence into a sermon every couple of years. My most recent example was a message entitled “Meeting God in Moral Failure.” When the message came to the “how to prevent” part, I simply downloaded the five moral fences to everyone. At the staff level we require a more detailed list of moral fences. From pastors to ministry leaders, to custodians and bookstore staff, every paid staff member is regularly held accountable for this moral code. A former singles pastor found it very difficult not to have lunch alone with women in his ministry, and often “forgot.” That is, until we told him we would “forget” to pay him if he “forgot” again. Remember, this is not legalism. Legalism is when we judge another’s spirituality based on manmade rules. We are not judging anyone’s heart for the Lord, we are simply reasoning together as to how we can be faithful to our commitment to Christ.
Conclusion: Above Reproach? Blameless?
Both Timothy and Titus instruct us that those who serve us leaders in Christ’s church must be above reproach or blameless. That is to say, our conduct must be such that it would be difficult, even for those who oppose our ministry, to bring an accusation against us. Many a pastor has had their ministry destroyed over spurious accusations, things that could not be proven false, though they were. I believe our congregation is comforted in knowing that our ministry team is seeking to protect themselves and the church from the pain of ministry moral failure. By examining the behaviors that sometimes lead to moral problems and avoiding them we are embracing the wisdom of Proverbs 4:26 which instructs us to “ponder the path of your feet and let all your ways be established.” Of course we must not think that the standards in and of themselves are in any way righteous, they are not. They are only in place as a protection against potentially overwhelming temptation. As I write this article, personal immorality is the furthest thing from my mind.
Last summer, we drove through some very high, single-lane mountain passes on a family vacation. The road was narrow and the drop off was immense. I was very careful! I hugged the mountain and drove very slowly. I kept my eyes on the road and refused to look down, but I am still glad the guard rail was there.
Categorized as: Character, Christian Life, From James, Integrity, Ministry, Sexual Purity
February 5th, 2009 at 2:54 am
Dr James,
It’s my first time on your web site, and this lesson has touched my very core.
I must say I have never heard it said as it is. Am sharing this message with pals and brethren.
God contunue using you.
Baraka (Be Blessed)Wanja
March 18th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I just wanted to say that I love this site
June 24th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I am glad to have stumbled upon this site! I have a deeper understanding.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:38 am
James,
I didn’t know you and Kathy were married for sixteen years
Great article, brother!
Your friend in St. louis
correction: 26 years!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:46 am
James,
As a single woman, who was been under your teaching for 15 years before I moved, I have always appreciated the stand that you and the elders at Harvest have taken to protect yourselves and us women from any compromising positions or appearances of impropriety. You have always been honest about them at Harvest and I pray that they protect you from ever being in any situation that will ever compromise your ministry or family. I am thankful for your 5 moral fences and have passed them on to the pastor of the church I am currently attending.
In Christ,
Lorri Wenderski (HBC Satellite Member in East TN)
November 12th, 2009 at 11:02 am
James,
I have had the unfortunate experience of having two of my mentors in ministry fall to sexual sin, and it scared me so bad that I take about 10 steps back from anything that is even close to the line. The policies you implemented have been my practice for quite some time, and though it is often inconvenient, it is “ministry saving” to say the least. I think the obedience of sexual purity for a man of God will always produce blessing not only in that man’s ministry, but in that man’s marriage as well. Honestly, I think the marriage bed (Hebrews 13:4) finds profound blessing to it when the moral fences have been firmly entrenched.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Praise God for leadership in our churches that employ moral fences! I believe each of us believers needs to take responsibility and place moral fences in our lives. Then we need to share those fences with the people close to us so they can help monitor and hold us accountable. Thanks, Pastor James, for the necessary reminder!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
[...] you have moral fences? 2009 November 12 tags: moral fences by pj50 James MacDonald has a good post on building moral fences for men in ministry, or in [...]
November 12th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
James,
I love how you say, “you think I’m weak, I am”. We all are, but some don’t want to admit it. I try to tell that to people when they ask why I don’t have cable or internet at home. They think I’m nuts, but I know I can’t handle having those things. I even know a couple of brothers-in-Christ that don’t even have televisions to avoid sinning with their eyes. I think it’s the same kind of fence as the one with being alone with a woman.
Thanks for the wisdom and encouragement on a subject many men and women don’t want to acknowledge.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
James,
I’ve heard you preach this a number of times and I love this message. I think about it often.
I’m no pastor, but I don’t think that the temptations are entirely different for those of us in the workplace.
Currently I sit alone in a hotel room on a business trip. I’d love to put up all the same fences, but my professional life doesn’t allow it. There are few jobs in my industry (and many others) that don’t occasionally require travel (and few, if any, employers who would be willing to pay for a travel mate). It would also be very awkward, if not a serious problem, for me to refuse to ride alone in a car with a woman (most often a client) from time-to-time.
On each of those items, I have tried to implement a couple of boundaries. The first is that I will spend as few waking hours in a hotel room as possible. I try to go out and have a leisurely dinner and maybe catch a tame movie and return to the hotel for sleep (and no TV). I make sure to call my wife every night. When I ride alone with a woman, I make sure to always let my wife know as soon as possible (for fear that she’ll hear from someone “I saw your husband with some woman”).
All that said, I find myself wondering the following. If my eye (job) isn’t causing me to sin, but causes me to move closer to the “edge”, should I pluck it out or are your fences tailored more toward the pastor and business people should have fences, but they might need to be different?
Dave
November 12th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Thank you Pastor James for sharing your wisdom from the Word and your own personal experience. My son, a seminary student, is just beginning his ministry and I will share your timely advice with him. Your ministry has truly blessed my life this past year!
November 12th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Won’t heaven be GREAT!! YES… We won’t have to think about all these kinds of situations. We will just be able to truly love one another. Amen.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
This really hits home, I need to set up fences in my life, absolutely love your ministry Pastor James. Thanks
November 12th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
When I first heard you preach this at Harvest several years ago, I implemented it into my life, even though I thought it was “extreme.”
About a year later, I started at a new office, and within a month or so, a co-worker asked me to lunch. I said, “Sure!…As long as we invite someone else to join us.”
Confused, he asked me, “Why?” and I explained that I don’t have lunch alone with men unless they are family.
He responded as if I were being absurd, and pushed the issue. Lighthearted, though very clear, I let him know I wasn’t budging from my position.
He withdrew his lunch invitation, and avoided me like the plague after that. Ha!
Even though *my* intention wasn’t to do anything morally wrong, who knows where down that path, those little decisions of pushing the envelope, going a little farther than before, that I would have found myself in a situation that I never ever dreamed I’d be.
Everything is about a series of choices, a series of decisions. Good and bad.
Though I don’t know how to play chess and I’m kind of a “free-spirit,” I do think three, five, ten moves ahead when I make a choice—even one that *seems* inconsequential.
I don’t want to make anyone stumble, including those who don’t know Jesus yet.
Thank you for teaching, and re-teaching these moral fences.
Today, I don’t think they are extreme at all. They are necessary.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:50 am
Good advice. If you hang in a barber shop long enough, your bound to get a haircut. God Bless.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I am new to HBC, this website, and to Pastor James’ teachings, theology, philosophy, and so on. This one is BIG on my list when one is considering becoming a member of a Church body. “Moral Fences!” I came to Harvest under “transfer growth” and if you’ve read Pastor James’ previous blog- Red Apple Evangelism Part 1, you know what this means. The word of God was not prioritized, I wasnt being fed- my growth in my faith was compromised and stunted. I yearned to be so much closer to The Lord- but there were far too many distractions, indiscretions, improprieties! (from the Pastors in the Pulpit to men heading up Ministries) I needed my Church’s help desparately because thats where I tried to walk with Christ, work for Christ and worship Christ; But through this article, it confirms what I believed all along, Moral Fences were not in place, there were no boundaries of behavior, and no accountability for immoral acts. I’ve always had Moral Fences for all of the reasons that You have mentioned; and if we are to be Ambassadors For Christ, WE all should get busy building these Moral Fences. I just Thank God for You, Your vision, Your wisdom, and this posting at this time in my life as I continue my walk with Christ. I find it nothing short of remarkable, that You would share Your continued devotion to Your wife, Kathy and for Your strong committment in Your position in Christ. What Wisdom!! And yes, it brings great comfort in knowing that Our Ministry team prides and protects themselves and The Church from the pain of ministry moral failure. God Bless You Pastor James.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Excellent! Thank you Pastor James All of us men need to keep within these fences! looking forward to your next visit to Harvest Riverside!
November 15th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Always so thankful for our church and your wise teaching, lifestyle, & godly leadership! Thank you for always setting such a godly example, and having these moral fences… not just for you but our entire church team!
{Have you ever read Jerry Bridges book “Hedges”? It is all about this. If not, have KE contact me, I can get you a copy.}
Thanks again for your wisdom, sacrifice, dying to self, knowing your weaknesses, not allowing these sexual stumbling blocks to come into your path, and for loving your wife so deeply & publicly!! We are so blessed to sit under your teaching & leadership, and Kathy’s support, love, & respect for you.
We look forward to having you back in the pulpit next weekend, although we have enjoyed our speakers we’ve had in the meantime!
November 15th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Pastor James,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for having the courage as a pastor (and a sinful man) to humbly and directly address this issue. I appreciate your willingness to tackle an unspoken topic in church today and one that needs to be shouted from the rooftops across our country. As a man who struggled with lust and sexual sin for years and learned the hard way to put many moral fences in place as protection (for my own spiritual health and also in respect for my wife), I get so excited when this topic is brought up because it is truly eating away like cancer on those inside and outside the church. People need to wake up on this issue, ESPECIALLY MEN, and stop allowing Satan an opportunity to attack us from the inside by targeting our fleshly desires! I only wish I had learned the wisdom of this blog years ago, but alas I speak from experience as one who once was blind and now can see…for I pray my testimony would aid this call to action to those who are afraid to get real and make changes.
One additional recommendation I have on this topic that has proven an invaluable tool to me is accountability and filtering software for my computer. Let’s not kid outselves…the porn industry (for example) nets higher sales than our top sports leagues combined and people need to protect themselves and their entire family on the infinite dangers the internet poses. Two OUTSTANDING software programs would be Covenant Eyes (www.covenanteyes.com) and X3Watch (www.x3watch.com). My point has always been this: We buy life insurance, health insurance, home owners insurance, etc., but we don’t implement spiritual health insurance? Filtering software for our computers is a no-brainer and a WISE INVESTMENT in protecting ourselves and our families. Any Christian family without it needs to act and act now!
James, please keep preaching the Word of God boldly. Your ability to allow God to speak through you has been a blessing to my family spiritually for many years and I pray God will continue to bless you with great health to continue your ministry for years to come. God bless!
November 16th, 2009 at 12:42 am
Thanks for preaching on this and setting up the moral fences in your personal life. Satan is always on the prowl to tempt God’s servants so that those who are not careful will fail and so that the world can say there is no difference in them. The first time I heard you preach this on WITW, I was like “wow – now there’s a man who gets it and is living in victory.” You saw the big picture and learned from the failure of others. I wish more pastors would take such stances to prevent such failure. I’m praying that God gives you greater wisdom to share with us in the future.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:39 am
As a long time corporate executive, I heartily endorse these moral fences, and not just for church staff. It may seem to some that you are too “impersonal” in shunning private meetings, but so many things can and do happen.
Even the appearance of proivate meetings can resonate with ill effect , not through any deed or intention, but through perception. I once ran an office with about 50 people and one of the staff germanated and nurtured a story of my “intimacy” with two of the office workers(one of which was her!). There was absolutely no truth to the story, but the objective “evidence” included time spent alone with each of these two staffers.The office was duped into believing that what they “saw” meant what they “perceived.” A lie grew out of a misperception–and some propaganda. So a good moral fence does not allow for any false, misleading evidence to develop in the mind of anyone–participant or observer.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am
When I read your blog I thought.. that is fine for him and his staff. People in real life don’t do such things. I then asked my small group about it and they agree with you and try to put fences up in their own lives. Much to think about, especially after listening to Walk in the Word about wisdom. Is this something God wants me to do in my life? I will pray about it.. thanks..
November 19th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Thank you once again, my brother. I have begun circulating this among our ministry leaders. It is another tool that I will use daily in my life. Free fall is unmistakable, but often slipping can go unnoticed until one is on the edge.
May the Lord continue to bless HBC and the Walk in the Word ministry, that we may be blessed and bless others.
November 19th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Pastor James: I had gone to WITW to make a donation and saw the tab for BLOG at the top. I had been checking your blog for awhile but then my computer crashed completely and am having to set new bookmarks, etc. I had forgotten about your blog. Glad I found this one. So practical. Wish I had known this when I was a young buck. I hope that your young readers will decide today to make these fences part of their ministry. Look forward to reading more.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Seriously, where do you get this stuff? Do you take some kind of wisdom pill each morning?
Inspirational. Inspirationel
November 21st, 2009 at 12:56 am
Thanks for this. It’s helpful and encouraging. I’m sending it to some other brothers as well.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:35 am
MOST fantastic! Well said, Pastor James. This is easily as good as learning to set personal boundaries for one’s sexual life as a single, LONG before you find yourself in a situation where you might need to rely on those boundaries. Choose NOW where your moral boundaries are, single people, and HONOR CHRIST WITH YOUR BODY.
I am a 33yr old single female who is walking the walk. Not always easy, but WELL WORTH IT. No stress about pregnancy or especially about disease. You cannot buy peace of mind like that!
December 4th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Pastor James:
This is my first time to your website. Listening recently to your radio ministry message prompted my visit. Praise God for the Holy Spirit-inspired message and practical advice you’ve provided on this topic. We are all weak and vulnerable (men especially, I believe) in this area whether we are willing to admit it openly or not. Satan will use any opportunity — divorce, loneliness, singleness, not feeling “understood” by our spouse, or those seemingly innocent yet unregulated male-female interactions between acquaintences or co-workers — to cunningly deceive and tempt us “beyond what we can bear”. How quickly our sinful nature, if given the opportunity, begins formulating those clanestine “what if” thoughts, and then too often it’s a downward spiral from there. Moral fences: fixed, grace-directed behavioral boundaries to protect us from ourselves. The old saying is fences help to make for good neighbors. The moral fences you describe in essence do just that in a broader relational sense. Take home message: Beware “open range” relational ranching. Time to get our fences set back up before we, the lost sheep in need of a shepherd, wander too far astray. We know the wolf awaits those who cross those fences unguarded…
May God continue to bless your ministry.
December 21st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
[...] Five Moral Fences [...]
January 13th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
[...] Five Moral Fences [...]
January 15th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
I heard you preach this message years ago at a PK conference. I download/listen to your broadcast every day, and this is the message that hits home for me the most. What a great message. Is it in a WitW Broadcast series?
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:12 pm
I really want to comment on accepting lifts from female members. I accepted a lift home from a female member. I will add that I asked openly if anyone could give me a lift home. I even asked the pastors wife but was told the car was full. (the pastor would have been in the car).
A female member offered me a lift and I was glad of it, as I suffered from panic attacks at the time and having to find my own way home via bus would have been very difficult. She was the only one who offered.
After accepting the lift my ex-pastor asked to meet me for a coffee a week later and made me feel awful.
He said;
“People may think you’re a dirty old man for taking a lift from a young female member” The female was 21 I am 40
“People may begin to talk” suggesting others may think there is something in it.
For me this was just a kind act from a Christian sister and for 99% of the journey we spoke about God and how we both came to be Christians. We ended the lift with a prayer for each other and I never thought anymore about it.
In my old church which he was pastor of I accepted a lift off of his wife, other female members and have given female members lifts and nothing was ever said but suddenly he begins harvest Bible chapel Glasgow and I am under attack.
There is no doubt that the 5 moral guidelines are good but under certain circumstances they cannot be folowed to the letter. Maybe I should have pushed harder for a lift from a male member but having panic attacks (which my pastor knew about) I was just so glad to get a lift.
Now I am not a member of this church because my pastor would not offer an apology for what he said. The female in question has been in contact with me and cant understand what the big deal is. Yes in future I will psuh for a lift from a male member but if that is not coming then I would take a lift from a female member
January 31st, 2010 at 12:45 pm
James, I agree with the need to defend the sanctity of marriage vigorously. The steps that you have taken are completely appropriate for a pastor, and most are a good idea for any married man.
My wife and I agreed at the beginning of our marriage not to have friends of the opposite sex. This one stance alone often generates considerable hostility from other people when we discuss it. I have seen two marriages destroyed by it, and an unintentional affair happen during a divorce as well.
We men easily forget that affairs are not about attraction. They are about who you spend your time with. Work and ministry are two of the most vulnerable areas for this, because we are tempted to believe that the task at hand prevents anything more from developing. On the contrary, the task at hand is a bonding experience between the two people!
It is important to remember that the most dangerous thing to a married man is a woman who respects and admires him. That is what really lowers our guard. Someone who cares what we think, values our accomplishments, and admires our potential is someone we want to spend more time with. Whatever the context of the interaction, we eventually become more interested in spending time with the other person than whatever brought us together in the first place.
The importance of this topic cannot be understated. Thank you for being so open and public about your fences. You are in a position to help other men take this seriously, as many would mistakenly assume that pastors are less vulnerable than other professions. By showing how serious you believe the issue to be, you cause others to reflect on the issue as well.