Archive for the ‘Sexual Purity’ Category
Raising Purity Reviews Are In!
Awhile back I gave away a number of free copies of my book, Raising Purity: Helping Parents Understand the Bible’s Perspective on Sex, Dating and Relationships, to any blogger who was willing to read it and write a review. I’m still waiting on some of the reviews, but here are snippets from the first six that came back, as well as links to the full review. The first five are very positive; the last is mixed.
“Insightful and gospel-centered…If only I had known about Gerald Hiestand’s book [before].” Jill Utech, Pastor’s Wife
“A wonderful book…This little volume has completely changed the way I think about relationships outside of marriage…” Rick Wadholm, Pastor
“One of the best resources for parents that I have ever seen for dealing with the issues of sex, dating, and relationships from a Biblical perspective.” Tony Pagliarullo, Youth Pastor
“I’d recommend this book to anyone who has children regardless of their age because teaching of this subject begins early on. This would also be a recommended read for those still searching for a marriage partner.” Courtney Fong, Father
“A superior and unparalleled approach to sexual ethics; lucid; persuasive; gospel-centered….This is the most important book I have ever read on dating, sexuality, marriage, and anything else having to do with sexual purity.” Bradley Cochran, PhD Student
“Although I disagree with Hiestand’s proposed methodology for living a life of purity, I agree with the spirit of his message….Raising Purity did a fantastic job in having me examine my own values and conclusions as to what my expectations were in a presumed dating relationship.” Thomas Yang, Young Single Guy
The offer still stands. If you’re a regular blogger and are willing to review Raising Purity within one month of receiving the book, please send your mailing address to ghiestand [at] harvestbible.org. I’m happy to mail you a complimentary copy (while supplies last!).
How Far is Too Far? or What Constitutes Sexual Relations? Part 3
I’ve had a number of thoughtful responses to my previous posts, a few of which question my interpretation of 1 Timothy 5:2. So I wanted to touch on this in a bit more detail. Ultimately, I believe my interpretation of this passage is correct, but in the end, my conclusion is not dependent on it. My interpretation of 1 Timothy 5:2 supports my conclusion, rather than serves as the basis for my conclusion. So leaving aside this contested verse, here’s another run at my basic point. See if my logic makes sense…
First, sexual relations are to be reserved for the marriage relationship. Second, there’s more to sexual relations than sexual intercourse. Third, any activity that is sexual in nature should be reserved for the marriage relationship. I think most of us agree up to this point.
But now a question looms… How do we determine if an activity is sexual, or merely physical? Identifying the sexual nature of some activities is pretty easy. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, fondling, etc., are all clearly sexual activities. But what about kissing?
Logically, the easiest way to determine the sexual nature of an activity is to consider it against the backdrop of the family relationship. If I would refrain from doing a certain activity with a biological relative because it would be sexually inappropriate, then that activity is of a sexual nature and should be reserved for the marriage relationship.
But Justin responds, “With all due respect, in regards to the concept of “familial treatment”, would you suggest I stop holding the hand of my girlfriend, or that I instead become ok with the thought of holding hands with my sister?”
An understandable question, but one that misses the point. The intent of viewing an activity against the backdrop of the biological family is not simply to ask “What activities do I avoid doing with my biological relatives?” but rather “What activities do I avoid doing with my biological relatives because those activities are sexual?” I’ve seen a father hold hands with his young daughter, and an older brother hold hands with his younger sister. This may not be common as we move into the adult world, but there is nothing sexual about holding hands. If holding hands was a sexual activity, we would not permit it between biological relatives at any stage in life. But if we saw a father giving his daughter a prolonged open-mouth kiss, we’d be calling DCFS. And we should. Some activities are physical/affectionate (holding hands, hugging, kissing on the cheek, a quick peck on the lips, etc.), while other activities are sexual and would be deemed completely inappropriate between blood relatives.
So reducing my logic to it’s simplest form, I assert the following…
1. Sexual relations should be reserved for marriage.
2. Sexual relations include more than sexual intercourse.
3. Some forms of kissing (e.g., open mouth, prolonged, French) move beyond affection and are sexual in nature.
thus I conclude,
4. Sexual forms of kissing should be reserved for marriage.
If you disagree with my conclusion (point 4) , I welcome your thoughts on where my logic breaks down in points 1-3.
Of course, it’s hard to make a such counter-culture point in a few short posts. The first chapter of my book lays out a theology of human sexuality, drawing on Christ’s relationship with the Church, which helps to provide a theological backdrop against which to understand this standard of sexual purity. And chapter two provides more extensive argumentation than I’ve provided here. If you’re interested, you can download for free the first first two chapters.
Look forward to hearing your thoughts.
How Far is Too Far? or What Constitutes Sexual Relations? Part 2
So how far is too far when it comes to sexual activity between unmarried men and women? In my previous post, I discussed how sexual propriety between unmarried men and women must conform to a familial standard of purity. Simply put, sexual activity (of any kind) must be reserved for the marriage relationship (1 Corinthians 7:7-9). We can know if an activity is sexual by considering that action within the context of the family relationship (see 1 Timothy 5:2). In other words, if I would not engage in a certain activity with my sister because it would be deemed sexually inappropriate to do so, then that activity is of a sexual nature and to be reserved for the marriage relationship.
In Raising Purity, I examine the above sexual ethic against the backdrop of the first-century Greco-Roman culture. As is argued below, the New Testament authors are working within, and affirming, a culturally accepted sexual ethic regarding sexual relations between unmarried men and women. Failure to consider this wider context often causes many Christians to redefine purity in a way that would have been foreign to the biblical authors. Two aspects of the ancient culture are particularly noteworthy here. Continuing from the book…
First, unlike our present day understanding of sex (which tends to be strictly limited to sexual intercourse), the first-century Jewish and Greco-Roman concept of sex was more holistic. A man and woman who repeatedly initiated and then suddenly cut short their sexual relations prior to consummation (as is common in Christian dating relationships today) would have been unusual in Paul’s day. Either one abstained from sexual relations altogether, or carried them out to their full consummation. Thus in the ancient culture the sexual relationship does not appear to have been broken down into a series of distinguishable steps (e.g., kissing, caressing, intercourse), with only the final stage—intercourse—qualifying as “sex.” Intercourse was viewed as the consummation of sex, not the sum total of sex. Thus when the biblical authors warned against sexual immorality, they were understood to be warning against all extra-marital sexual activity.
Secondly, in both the ancient Jewish and Greco-Roman context, the ability of a respectable young woman to find a suitable marriage partner was, in no small part, contingent upon her father’s ability to prove her chastity. Consequently, a father took great pains to protect the moral integrity of his daughter’s reputation until the day of her marriage. Respectable young women did not leave the house unescorted, and the practice of cloistering (i.e., where a young woman was kept in the home and secluded away from any male non-relatives) was often employed. Needless to say, our contemporary dating practices were completely foreign to the first-century context. Respectable young women did not spend time alone with males who were not part of the household, nor did they engage in even light sexual activity prior to marriage. In fact, respectable, unmarried women in the ancient world were, in many respects, not easily afforded the opportunity to engage in sexual misconduct. (This explains why the commands in the Bible regarding sexual purity are almost all directed toward men, who, unlike young women, would have had more social license to visit prostitutes or take a mistress—practices that were so standard for the culture of that day that even the Christian men at Corinth routinely engaged in such behavior.)
Consequently, in Paul’s day, premarital sexual activity that intentionally stopped short of sexual intercourse was not common. Either men and respectable women abstained from it altogether, or a man engaged in it fully with a prostitute or mistress. Given this historical and cultural framework, we can understand why the biblical authors did not feel a need to spell out “how far is too far?” It was already understood, even within the wider secular culture; any sexual activity outside the marriage relationship was off limits.
We must not redefine purity in a way that would have been foreign to the biblical authors. In the first-century context, the concept of purity automatically meant treating members of the opposite sex as family. The New Testament assumes and affirms this standard of sexual purity.
Five Moral Fences
I was a pastor in seminary when the moral failures of the late ’80’s hit the news and they scared me. In addition to the newsworthy blowouts, I was hearing a shocking number of similar tragedies from my own circle of pastor/friends. I remember one Sunday night in 1987 when I cried all the way to church. I was terrified as I asked over and over, “How does this happen? Could this happen to me? How can I protect myself and my growing little family from the devastation a moral failure would cause? How can I be sure my actions will remain pure when men better and stronger than me were falling like flies?”
As I thought and prayed it through it occurred to me that ministers who fell morally must have disregarded the final warning signals. I knew they didn’t go from spirit-filled to stepping off the cliff in one day. I knew they must have crashed some social barriers before their slippage became sexual. I remember wondering where the line was and how I could make sure I never crossed it. I knew I had to make my decisions early and my standards public so that others would know when I was “playing near the edge.” I was determined that, by God’s grace, I would not take the plunge. In fact, I wanted to stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as I could, so I decided to set up some boundaries of behavior.
I called them moral fences. The idea was to set up some standards of conduct that if never broken would make it impossible for me to fail morally. I remembered back to my days as a bible college student and thinking how strange it was that our college president would not give my (young, beautiful) fiancee a ride to our church almost two hours away when he came to speak. With that in mind, I began to form my list of moral fences.
1) I will not, under any circumstances, ride alone in a car with a female other than my wife or an immediate family member.
No lifts home for a church secretary, no baby sitters driven home late at night, no teen girls in my student ministry, more recently no playmates of my daughters, no exceptions. One day I wasted two and a half hours in the American Tire store waiting for my car to be done while my secretary, only minutes away, could have picked me up so easily. Recently while speaking out of town, I had to explain to my pastor friend why it “would not work out for his wife to drive me and meet him over there.” It has been awkward at times but the benefits are obvious. How many pastors commit adultery with someone they never ride alone in a car with? OK some, but read on.
2) I do not counsel women in a closed room or more than once.
Judging by the stories we all hear it seems like the majority of ministry infidelity begins through a counseling relationship. No matter what the issue, counseling is a very intimate activity . when the subject matter itself becomes intimate. counseling the opposite sex is like playing with fire. When our church was smaller keeping this standard meant that some women had to seek counsel elsewhere and two or three left our church over my “fence.” I was hurt at first but I think it blessed my wife. As pastors we are supposed to be training others to do ministry, not hoarding it for ourselves. (Eph. 4:11-13) I have always felt that my time was better spent training a team of men and women to do the lighter counseling and then referring those with more complex issues to biblical counseling centers outside our church. When I cannot avoid a second session with a woman in our church, I have my wife or another pastor sit in with me. Pretty hard to commit adultery with someone you never spend time alone with.
3) I do not stay alone in a hotel over night.
I did my doctoral thesis on increasing the incidents of self-disclosure of sin among men. I have heard more confessions of addiction to various forms of sexual sin than any one pastor should ever have to hear, and it has changed me. It has left me deeply persuaded that, “there but for the grace of God, (and some moral fences) go I.” I know myself too well. Lengthy, unaccountable hours with manifold temptations available and affordable is a recipe for failure. Romans 13:14 instructs us that we are to “make no provision for the flesh.” You think I sound weak? I am! And when I forget that weakness I cease to know God’s strength. (I Cor. 12:10) When I travel, I travel with someone. When that is impossible I stay with a friend. When that is impossible I do not go. Period! Early in my ministry that meant there were things I missed out on, more recently our Elders have agreed to help fund a travel partner for me. If an outside ministry opportunity is deemed worthwhile, and the ministry cannot afford a second airfare, our church pays for me to take another pastor or elder, or best of all, my wife.
4) I speak often and publicly of my affection for my wife, when she is present and when she is not.
No one likes to play the hypocrite any more than they have to. Marriages that are failing often become silent in public before they become loudly negative. Pastors who resist or refuse to publicly affirm and appreciate the significant role of a supportive spouse may be revealing a private deterioration of that relationship. I have close friends who consistently monitor the way I lead, to refer to, and interact with my wife in social and ministry contexts. It was Bill McCartney who taught that the countenance of a wife is the best indicator of marital strength. I know some men in our church feel the heat because I am so publicly wild about my wife of twenty-six years, too bad!
5) Compliment the character or the conduct – not the coiffure or the clothing.
I am still working on this one. As our church has grown, and I know a much smaller percentage of the people who attend here, I have seen the power of a compliment become a problem. As pastors we love people and want to be an encouragement. Formerly, if I noticed that Shelly had a new dress or Susan had changed her hair, I would compliment her on that. I felt it was harmless and if it seemed to meet a need and I meant it sincerely I thought, “no harm done.” More recently I have observed that this seemingly innocent gesture can have far more impact than I ever intended and potentially meet a legitimate need that I have no business meeting. Apart from family friendships, I have been trying to restrict my compliments to character and conduct. I get to use my gift of encouragement but I focus on the things God is doing in a person’s life and not the externals that can be easily misunderstood.
Setting up the “fence” in public.
The fence is useless if I can take it down any time my sinful heart desires. To make it work those around me must know what I have committed to myself to and be willing to confront me if they see a fence broken down. To inform the congregation I periodically weave the fence into a sermon every couple of years. My most recent example was a message entitled “Meeting God in Moral Failure.” When the message came to the “how to prevent” part, I simply downloaded the five moral fences to everyone. At the staff level we require a more detailed list of moral fences. From pastors to ministry leaders, to custodians and bookstore staff, every paid staff member is regularly held accountable for this moral code. A former singles pastor found it very difficult not to have lunch alone with women in his ministry, and often “forgot.” That is, until we told him we would “forget” to pay him if he “forgot” again. Remember, this is not legalism. Legalism is when we judge another’s spirituality based on manmade rules. We are not judging anyone’s heart for the Lord, we are simply reasoning together as to how we can be faithful to our commitment to Christ.
Conclusion: Above Reproach? Blameless?
Both Timothy and Titus instruct us that those who serve us leaders in Christ’s church must be above reproach or blameless. That is to say, our conduct must be such that it would be difficult, even for those who oppose our ministry, to bring an accusation against us. Many a pastor has had their ministry destroyed over spurious accusations, things that could not be proven false, though they were. I believe our congregation is comforted in knowing that our ministry team is seeking to protect themselves and the church from the pain of ministry moral failure. By examining the behaviors that sometimes lead to moral problems and avoiding them we are embracing the wisdom of Proverbs 4:26 which instructs us to “ponder the path of your feet and let all your ways be established.” Of course we must not think that the standards in and of themselves are in any way righteous, they are not. They are only in place as a protection against potentially overwhelming temptation. As I write this article, personal immorality is the furthest thing from my mind.
Last summer, we drove through some very high, single-lane mountain passes on a family vacation. The road was narrow and the drop off was immense. I was very careful! I hugged the mountain and drove very slowly. I kept my eyes on the road and refused to look down, but I am still glad the guard rail was there.
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How Far is Too Far? or What Constitutes Sexual Relations?
One of the pressing questions facing parents and pastors (particularly youth pastors, college pastors and sinlges pastors) is the age old question of sexual propriety—specifically, “How far is too far?” In other words, what activities are appropriate for an unmarried man and woman to engage in? I’ve become convinced we parents and pastors have been far too vague in the direction we’ve provided in this matter. We tell sixteen-year old boys to refrain from sexual intercourse, but beyond that it’s pretty much “pray about it and set your own sexual boundaries.” Not a good plan. We give our opinions (keep it above the neck), but we don’t have any hard and fast boundaries—no “thus says the Lord.”
As a former youth pastor I had to tackle this topic for my students and came away convinced there were some things that needed to be said on this issue that were not being said. The resulting reflection formed the heart of my book Raising Purity: Helping Parents Understand the Bible’s Perspective on Sex, Dating, and Relationships. A big part of what I was trying to do in the book was to find a biblically based, objective standard of sexual conduct, binding for all unmarried people in all circumstances (a tall order, to be sure!). Below is an excerpt from the book where I tackle this question. I’m interested in your thoughts…
“Nearly all devout Christians who take the Bible seriously will agree that sexual relations should be reserved for marriage. But it is precisely at this point we often fail to think carefully about the full implications of this biblical mandate. Too often we limit our understanding of sexual relations to include only sexual intercourse. But is such a narrow understanding of sexual relations legitimate? One is reminded here of a past president who staunchly asserted, “I did not have sexual relations with that women.” Of course what he really meant was that he did not engage in sexual intercourse. But how many of us (his wife not least) were satisfied with this truncated definition of sexual relations? Clearly sexual relations extend beyond sexual intercourse. Oral sex, fondling, and mutual masturbation, for example, are all sexual activities. Once we embrace the biblical truth that sexual relations must be reserved for marriage, the age old question, “How far is too far?” is easily answered. If an activity is sexual, it is to be abstained from while in the Neighbor Relationship.
But how are we to determine if an activity is sexual? Achieving such clarity is not as difficult as one might think. In 1 Timothy 5:2 Paul clearly details what constitutes sexual activity, tying together the familial treatment of the opposite sex with absolute purity. In this often over-looked and highly relevant verse he writes, “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
Most helpfully, Paul here links together the familial treatment of the opposite sex with sexual purity. In the context of this passage Paul is exhorting Timothy—a young pastor—as to how he should interact with the women of his church (i.e., his neighbors). Paul’s primary concern at this point is Timothy’s sexual conduct, as is seen by his use of the phrase “absolute purity.” Notably, Paul instructs Timothy to interact with the women of his church in a way that parallels his relationship with his biological family. Of course Paul is not asking Timothy to treat the women of his church in every circumstance as though each were his literal mother or sister (think of all the Mother’s Day cards!). Nor is he asking Timothy to think or feel about every woman in exactly the same way. Rather, what Paul has in mind is Timothy’s conduct toward the women in his life. If Timothy is committed to living a life of “absolute purity,” his interaction with the women in his church must be carried out within a familial framework of purity.
This is immeasurably helpful in clearing up nearly all of the confusion surrounding the question, “How far is too far?” We need only examine a specific activity from within the framework of the nuclear family to determine its appropriateness. If a man would not feel comfortable engaging in a particular action with his sister because doing so would seem sexually inappropriate, then that action is clearly of a sexual nature and to be reserved for the Marriage Relationship.
That we often fail to identify certain activities (such as passionate kissing) as sexual is seen in how many Christians frequently use the term “physical relationship” to describe such activities. The use of the term “physical” implicitly suggests the couple’s actions are something other than sexual. But passionate kissing is not merely physical—it is sexual. Unlike a hug or holding hands, passionate kissing is certainly not an activity a brother and sister would engage in. When we understand that “physical” activity is really “sexual” activity, the question “How far is too far?” really becomes, “Which sexual activities can I engage in apart from marriage?” The answer is none of them. Sexual activity is to be reserved for marriage.
Again, simply stated, if an activity is sexual, it is to be reserved for the marriage relationship. How can I know if an activity is sexual? If I wouldn’t do it with a biological relative, then I shouldn’t be doing it with anyone other than my spouse. In sum, the standard of purity for the Neighbor relationship is identical to the standard of purity for the Family Relationship: no sexual activity of any kind is permissible.”
So what do you think? What are the ways you’ve answered this question for yourself and others? In my next post, I’ll discuss a little bit about the first century Greco-Roman context which forms the backdrop of this familial understanding of purity.
Raising Purity Book Give-away!
I’m pleased to announce the re-release of my book Raising Purity: Helping Parents Understand the Bible’s Perspective on Sex, Dating, and Relationships. This is a revised and expanded version of the original, and, I think, is significantly improved in a few key areas. To give you a sense of what the book is about, here’s the copy from the back cover:
Do they know? Do you? Many young people today are confused about the Bible’s perspective on sex, dating and relationships. Should they give dating a chance or kiss it goodbye? What exactly is sexual purity, and how far is too far, anyway? Perhaps our children don’t know the answers to these questions because we as parents are uncertain ourselves.
In this ground-breaking book, Gerald Hiestand provides objective, biblical answers to these vital questions, and unfolds a paradigm-shifting view of relationships and purity that challenges the basic assumptions of our Christian sub-culture. Touching on a wide range of subjects, Raising Purity is sure to help parents and children think clearly, biblically and practically about the God-ordained purpose of human sexuality.
If you’re a parent or youth pastor, this book is for you. I’m convinced our children will not have clarity on this issue until we as parents and pastors have clarity on this issue. And given the statistics, I think it’s pretty clear we lack clarity.
This topic is not necessarily my hot button – If I could have found someone saying what I think needs to be said on this subject, I wouldn’t have bothered writing this book. But early on in my ministry I did some time as a youth pastor and had to address the age old question “How far is too far?” As I grappled with the issue and read the literature, I became increasingly convinced that most of our collective wisdom on this subject is simply wrong. We just haven’t grasped the Bible’s central message on purity. At the risk of sounding like a hubritic, I’m certain I’ve got some new things to say about purity, dating, and relationships – things that aren’t being said anywhere else. In writing the book, I’ve tried to be richly theological and eminently practical. I’ve field tested this at Harvest with both parents and singles and the response has been overwhelmingly positive.
For those interested, here are a few links you might find useful.
Download the First Two Chapters
Free Books
And now about that “free book” thing. . . since I’m self-publishing, I could use a little help with the marketing. So here’s my, “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” proposal: I’ll send a free copy of the book to the first twenty people who send me an e-mail at ghiestand[at]harvestbiblechapel.org (include your address). But here’s the catch. You have to be a regular blogger (not a blogger whose last post was May 1, 2009), and you have to be willing to write a short review (doesn’t have to be a positive review) by Dec 31, 2009, linking back to raisingpurity.com.
I truly believe this is an important book for the church today – a life-changing book. If you’re a parent or a pastor, I hope you’ll read it. If you have read it, and have any thoughts, feel free to leave a comment. I welcome your thoughts.
