Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category
How Far is Too Far? or What Constitutes Sexual Relations?
One of the pressing questions facing parents and pastors (particularly youth pastors, college pastors and sinlges pastors) is the age old question of sexual propriety—specifically, “How far is too far?” In other words, what activities are appropriate for an unmarried man and woman to engage in? I’ve become convinced we parents and pastors have been far too vague in the direction we’ve provided in this matter. We tell sixteen-year old boys to refrain from sexual intercourse, but beyond that it’s pretty much “pray about it and set your own sexual boundaries.” Not a good plan. We give our opinions (keep it above the neck), but we don’t have any hard and fast boundaries—no “thus says the Lord.”
As a former youth pastor I had to tackle this topic for my students and came away convinced there were some things that needed to be said on this issue that were not being said. The resulting reflection formed the heart of my book Raising Purity: Helping Parents Understand the Bible’s Perspective on Sex, Dating, and Relationships. A big part of what I was trying to do in the book was to find a biblically based, objective standard of sexual conduct, binding for all unmarried people in all circumstances (a tall order, to be sure!). Below is an excerpt from the book where I tackle this question. I’m interested in your thoughts…
“Nearly all devout Christians who take the Bible seriously will agree that sexual relations should be reserved for marriage. But it is precisely at this point we often fail to think carefully about the full implications of this biblical mandate. Too often we limit our understanding of sexual relations to include only sexual intercourse. But is such a narrow understanding of sexual relations legitimate? One is reminded here of a past president who staunchly asserted, “I did not have sexual relations with that women.” Of course what he really meant was that he did not engage in sexual intercourse. But how many of us (his wife not least) were satisfied with this truncated definition of sexual relations? Clearly sexual relations extend beyond sexual intercourse. Oral sex, fondling, and mutual masturbation, for example, are all sexual activities. Once we embrace the biblical truth that sexual relations must be reserved for marriage, the age old question, “How far is too far?” is easily answered. If an activity is sexual, it is to be abstained from while in the Neighbor Relationship.
But how are we to determine if an activity is sexual? Achieving such clarity is not as difficult as one might think. In 1 Timothy 5:2 Paul clearly details what constitutes sexual activity, tying together the familial treatment of the opposite sex with absolute purity. In this often over-looked and highly relevant verse he writes, “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
Most helpfully, Paul here links together the familial treatment of the opposite sex with sexual purity. In the context of this passage Paul is exhorting Timothy—a young pastor—as to how he should interact with the women of his church (i.e., his neighbors). Paul’s primary concern at this point is Timothy’s sexual conduct, as is seen by his use of the phrase “absolute purity.” Notably, Paul instructs Timothy to interact with the women of his church in a way that parallels his relationship with his biological family. Of course Paul is not asking Timothy to treat the women of his church in every circumstance as though each were his literal mother or sister (think of all the Mother’s Day cards!). Nor is he asking Timothy to think or feel about every woman in exactly the same way. Rather, what Paul has in mind is Timothy’s conduct toward the women in his life. If Timothy is committed to living a life of “absolute purity,” his interaction with the women in his church must be carried out within a familial framework of purity.
This is immeasurably helpful in clearing up nearly all of the confusion surrounding the question, “How far is too far?” We need only examine a specific activity from within the framework of the nuclear family to determine its appropriateness. If a man would not feel comfortable engaging in a particular action with his sister because doing so would seem sexually inappropriate, then that action is clearly of a sexual nature and to be reserved for the Marriage Relationship.
That we often fail to identify certain activities (such as passionate kissing) as sexual is seen in how many Christians frequently use the term “physical relationship” to describe such activities. The use of the term “physical” implicitly suggests the couple’s actions are something other than sexual. But passionate kissing is not merely physical—it is sexual. Unlike a hug or holding hands, passionate kissing is certainly not an activity a brother and sister would engage in. When we understand that “physical” activity is really “sexual” activity, the question “How far is too far?” really becomes, “Which sexual activities can I engage in apart from marriage?” The answer is none of them. Sexual activity is to be reserved for marriage.
Again, simply stated, if an activity is sexual, it is to be reserved for the marriage relationship. How can I know if an activity is sexual? If I wouldn’t do it with a biological relative, then I shouldn’t be doing it with anyone other than my spouse. In sum, the standard of purity for the Neighbor relationship is identical to the standard of purity for the Family Relationship: no sexual activity of any kind is permissible.”
So what do you think? What are the ways you’ve answered this question for yourself and others? In my next post, I’ll discuss a little bit about the first century Greco-Roman context which forms the backdrop of this familial understanding of purity.
Learn to love the Critic: God is Speaking!
Is this a place for a pastor to share his heart? Is this a place for the people who follow my ministry to connect with the reality that I am the furthest thing from some big-time radio preacher . . . just a fellow Christian on this journey of following Jesus and trying to get it right? Yeah, that’s what I think this blog is about, so let me tell you the way things really are. I am beginning a sabbatical and trying to get some rest. As I begin I must confess that I continue to go through an extended season of personal wounding in ministry. It’s not coming from one person or place, but from a variety of sources. I am under no illusion that this is anyone’s doing but my own, truly.
I am into truth-telling in private contexts, but I am not into pointing the finger in public. In fact I really prefer for others to pick up their own mirror and figure out what God is teaching them. I can only say that I have not found very many believers willing to reciprocate my heartfelt passion that we must always hear and humbly respond to the difficult criticisms of others. In fact I believe that we should assume even as a brother or sister is speaking to us that what they are telling us is true. It is truly their perception and that in itself gives it substantive validity.
I have just completed a personal inventory using what is known as a “level three” instrument (only two others in the world, see www.flippengroup.com). It involves a lengthy personal inventory completed by you and 6 associates that know you best, and is used by high capacity leaders in every sector around the world. Good news = I have a lot of strengths and everyone sees them; bad news = I have a lot of weaknesses and everyone sees them. 
I sat down with the organization that administers this inventory. They were brutally frank with me about a lot areas I need to see and grow in and I loved it, not because it was easy, but because fact based, unfiltered feedback is really hard to come by. I try to see this kind of input as God coming to us through that person.
The channel He uses is often imperfect and could easily distract us from His voice. But don’t let your desire to dismiss the message by disqualifying the messenger get the best of you. Somewhere in the middle of the whitewater racing toward us, somewhere in the center of that stream of criticism, is God’s voice and the pure water of His will for us. Whenever I have nourished my thirst for greater Christ-likeness from that living water it has satisfied my soul deeply and changed my life dramatically. I am excited to be in the rapids again, spending my sabbatical paddling toward personal life transformation. I know God has used this season of wounding to prepare me for the part that is painful.
I must refuse to be distracted by those who refuse the mirror of God’s word and prefer self-imposed oblivion and move away from the fire whenever it gets too hot. My passion must be to be a man of God’s Word, first and foremost in the way that impacts my own heart. More and more I see the tougher seasons of relational let down as a time when God is pulling us back and more deeply into His Word. I praise Him for it!
Ps 119:67, Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word.
Ps 119:71, It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.
Ps 119:75, I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are righteous, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.
Yeah that’s it for sure. God faithfully using others to pull us more deeply into His Word and into His Son. And that’s a good thing, a really good thing!
U R loved, and God is good!
James
PS> Tune in thursday for more dramatically lame illustrations, keep those votes coming.
High Deposit, High Withdrawal
What’s the cultural ethos of your church staff? After twenty years of ministry, I’ve seen how a “high deposit, high withdrawal” culture leads to healthy, open relationships, where things get done and staff can grow. Here’s a video explaining what we at Harvest mean by the term “high deposit, high withdraw.”
james
Embed this video:
